Are you tired of putting effort every single day after school and barely passing your classes?
Are you physically exhausted from sleeping at 3 am every night working on essays and finishing lab reports and studying for your tests?
Do you have friends that party every weekend, when you’re at home doing work?
Do you ever try to think of why the SAT exists?
Finally, and most importantly: Do you hate the college board?
If you answered yes to any or all of the questions above, worry no more, because as I’m about to teach you how to get good grades with very minimal effort.
I must warn you that the results of these stages are not guaranteed, so do not point your fingers at me two days before the grades are released.
The first step to success in your classes involves the flowering of your teachers. Get them gifts, flowers, chocolates, fridge stickers, turkey sandwiches, everything and anything that would demonstrate your love to them as you enthusiastically walk into class.
This stage requires some research, try to find out their favorite ice-cream flavor or scent. Of course, the more expensive the better. However, because this is a very important step, I suggest you take it very seriously. It is not a good idea to over-do it or depend only on it, they’ll think you want something from them.
After you have bought every bar of chocolate and showered them with hopefully eye-catching and colorful gifts, the tasks begin to become only more difficult.
Step number two is much more than flaunting your money, it is constant role play. At this point you are their best friend. What this means is that not only do you jump to distribute the worksheets when they ask for any assistance, but you also stay late after class to show interest about what they had for dinner the night before or what their favorite movie is, or anything that might start a five-minute conversation. Do this repeatedly 5-7 times per week. These conversations will grant you a spot on their favorite students list, after you might have just been on their weirdos one.
A bonus would be if you relate the conversation to a topic or theme you learned in class those five minutes you were paying attention that one Tuesday. That way, you will show them that you fully engaged with the class and material, while still admiring their balance between school and home, and their life outside the classroom, especially as they are writing their midterm comments on their sofas at home.
The third step is a big one. Share something personal that you “haven’t told anyone before,” preferably about your ex-boyfriend with trust issues, or that time you hid your nose piercing from your parents. Always make it emotional and dramatic, even if it is far from the truth, and connect it to how it is affecting your present physical and mental condition, with high stress on its possibility to hinder you from achieving well in class.
The very last step is a win win situation. The night before a major assessment (preferably a final exam), throw a huge house party, inviting everyone in your class, and other sections as well. This is a great method to ensure that everyone else will fail as well, making you look much better in the eyes of your new best friend. With one stone, you hit two birds. The same time your peers are thinking of how generous you are and how much they are enjoying the music and snacks, they are also unfocused on the assessment that is the day after. So congratulations, you are not only the most popular kid in class, but you also put yourself in the safe zone when your teacher compares you to the class average.
Pro tip: don’t apply these steps with more than two of your teachers. During the beginning stage, they will be concerned and might possibly seek help from your other teachers, and that’s when they know that they have been receiving the same Swiss watches and Ray Bans. And that’s when it is game over for you, you’ll start to actually need to work, God forbid.
If you follow this check-list, you will grant yourself a soft spot in their hearts, and the results are definitely going to flourish in their grade-books. Just until May, when you really have to study for your APs. Can you ship gifts to the College Board?